I remember walking into a class in San Jose State University, nearly 8 yrs ago, and realizing that everyone around me was just simply amazing. I had left India with minimum training in Jazz and Indian Contemporary Dance, and had come here in search of something, I wasn't quite sure what. My first contact with Modern Dance and I knew why I was here, miles away from home, and the only life I had even known.
At that point I had never even seen a Ballet piece, never heard of Jose Limon, let alone Release Technique, Performance Art and all the incredible things that existed and captured my imagination. Everything was fresh and exciting and I surrendered to it all. I was not worried about being the only person in a Ballet class who did not know what a pique turn was. In fact, I was quite FEARLESS. I auditioned for the companies on campus, for things outside, attended classes which were meant for advanced technicians and I just soaked up everything. I improvised in fountains, met inspiring artists, created works in dilapidated construction buildings, and questioned EVERYTHING.
Now, eight years later, I feel that even though I am still as excited about dance, I have learnt to look at things with a critical eye, sometimes too-critical, where I find myself analyzing things even as I partake in them. But what I miss is not my sense of wonder, but my fearless-less; my ability to go into any scenario without questioning my abilities. I remember taking Miguel Gutierrez's composition class at the American Dance Festival in 2005, and again in 2006, where one of the assignments was to not censor ourselves. It was incredibly easy then, I NEVER censored anything. I often felt that some of my works were misfits in the choreographic concerts of San Jose State University. But I never thought to alter them.
Now I find myself hesitating, even before I begin creating. Sometimes I look at a workshop that I would love to do, or an audition that I am interested in attending, but self-doubt plagues me. I am not sure how and why this has happened. All I know is that it has. And the more skills and experience I acquire, the more insecure I become. This year, I really want to rediscover that curiosity that I had, which went beyond fear. I want to be FEARLESS again. I want to be willing to fail. I want to be rid of this self-imposed pressure to live up to something and be something. I want to be in tune with myself and simply create and dance, because what else is there to do...
I saw Dhobi Ghaat a few nights ago and absolutely loved it. It is just visually stunning. I know a lot of people will dismiss it as being too "artsy" but the movie has so much soul. It is extremely well acted for the most part, though there were parts where Monica Dogra is a bit irritating. Aamir Khan's silent presence enhances the movie and the shots of him painting are just wonderfully sensual. I was especially captivated by Kriti Malhotra who plays the character of Yasmin, a girl seen only through video tapes, made for her brother, in lieu of letters. Besides Yasmin, the other unforgettable character is Munna, brought to life by Prateik Babbar. I have only seen Prateik Babbar in "Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na", where he has a minor role. I enjoyed his acting then but in "Dhobhi Ghaat" he emerges as an extremely talented actor, who is able to capture the various nuances of his character, Munna.
It was also really interesting to see Mumbai, through all these different perspectives. Unlike "Slumdog Millionaire", in which one basically sees the poverty, dirt and darkness of Mumbai, in "Dhobhi Ghaat" one sees so many different aspects: the monsoon, the smell of the ocean, hints of the Underworld, the struggle to find accommodation, and so much more. It is a full bodied picture, where the city comes to life as much as the characters who dwell in it. I liked how Shai who is from New York wants to capture the street life of Mumbai, and Munna who lives on those streets, can only see the dirt and despair clogging them. The photographer looks at the streets for inspiration, but the dhobhi wants to escape from the streets, just as the artist looks at Yasmin's innocent beauty and her quiet wonder of life for inspiration, as she tries to step out of that life.
The dynamics of the relationships were visualized well, especially the Shai-Munna relationship. The chasm of class becomes visible at the very onset when he visits her house to delivers clothes, and she offers him tea, to find that her maidservant serves his tea in a glass and hers in a porcelain cup.This becomes pronounced towards the end, when her friends are buying weed from a dealer and she sees Munna with him. She hides behind the tinted glasses of the car, so she doesn't have to acknowledge him in their presence. 
I was completely drawn into the movie. It was just breathtakingly beautiful, achingly subtle. It is not the kind of movie one watches simply to be entertained. At the same time it is not tedious or distant. There are so many heart-felt moments but unlike a lot of Bollywood movies it is not over-dramatic. Not all the strings are tied at the end. Not all questions are answered. Not everything is resolved. But it is a movie that stays with you; I know I will be thinking about it for a long time...
