The Theme of Rape in Art

Spending several days immersed in art in Italy & Paris, I was struck by how the theme of rape seemed to be really prevalent in Renaissance art. Women were more often than not represented as stereotypes, where they were either reduced to being the embodiment of purity or rendered as the root of sin.

Bernini's The Rape of Persephone

Even though this statue has been interpreted as her abduction, rather than actual rape, it is still a violation. It is such a powerful piece of art where one can see the strain on the face of Hades where Persephone pushes him away.

There were also several renditions of Leda and the Swan. In the sculpture, the swan looks rather menacing but Leda seems calm and there is no hint of a struggle. However, in both the paintings Leda has a subtle smile and in the second, she seems to be glancing away coyly. I found these really disturbing because the seemingly calm and slightly flirtatious expression on her face undermines the fact that it is a rape. 

Bernini's "Apollo & Daphne" is a true masterpiece where Daphne turns into a tree as Apollo grabs her. The statue captures that moment of transformation when she starts turning into a tree. It is beautiful & sad and a picture can never do justice to the energy that this statue exudes.

Bernini's Apollo & Daphne Outside the Uffizi Gallery in Florence is The Rape of the Sabine Women by Giambologna. Again, the word rape refers to the abduction of the Sabine women but they are forced to marry the Romans against their will. Interestingly however, they end up creating an environment of peace between the Romans and the neighboring Sabines, between their fathers and brothers and new "husbands."

I do believe that with art, we bring our own lenses and they shape our experience of it, even beyond the original intent of the artist. Since this is something I deeply care about, I was fascinated and creeped out by the popularity of rape as a subject of art. These are few of the more obvious references. There were several covert references in so many other works and they made me wonder about the thought process of the artist. Since most of these are mythological figures, which were the subject of artists depicted, did it just happen to be that way or did they see the potential for drama in that moment? What aspect of the moment captivated them? And how did each of them interpret a common theme it in their own unique way, arousing a myriad of emotions in the viewer?

The Relevance of the movie PK

Spoiler Alert: If you have not seen PK then you may not want to read this!

I recently watched the movie PK. It was refreshing to see a fun and entertaining movie that had a strong and extremely relevant message. A message like this is not just relevant but much needed in a country where religion has become a tool to control people, inspire fear and further political agendas.
 India's approach to religion was beautifully questioned in the movie through a protagonist who was an alien from another planet, thus giving him a completely neutral and unbiased perspective.

In the last few days, I have been reading articles about the discord that has erupted in the aftermath of the release of the film. People burning the posters, vandalizing theaters, talking about how Hindu sentiments have been hurt and being enraged over the "vulgar" posters.

First of all, there is the question of artistic freedom. It is a movie, a work of fiction and fantasy, so interference by various religious groups seems to be a thwarting of the rights of the artists who have created the movie. While Bollywood constantly objectifies women, portraying them as sexual objects, mocks homosexuality and an industry where Honey Singh's questionable lyrics are all too readily embraced, anything which touches upon religion becomes a huge source of conflict.

Then there is the content itself of the movie PK. While in the first half, one sees the confusion of the protagonist, who discovers how different religions have different and even contrary approaches to religion. One sees his inability to understand what makes one valid over another, whom to believe, whom to follow. The second half really shows how the "caretakers" of religion are misleading people for their own narrow purposes. How God is more accessible to the rich, the question of idol worship and of various rituals associated with several religions. Yes, the central figure is a Hindu guru but in no ways is the movie an attack against Hindusim. It is merely a questioning of structured religion and the manipulative leaders who represent the same.

To pull out one or two dialogues out of context of the movie and create a hullabaloo is just ludicrous. People are citing certain dialogues to talk about what hurt their religious sentiments, while the overall message of the movie is completely lost on them.

The article that I read that was really sickening was one in which they brought in the religion of the protagonist Aamir Khan, who plays the character PK, and even linking the funding of the movie to terrorist organizations. This seems so much of a stretch that it is almost comic, albeit in a dark way. It is not Aamir Khan who is raising these questions, it is his on-screen character PK. Just as actors who play villains, rapists and other negative characters on screen can hardly be blamed for promoting that point of view in real life, it is clearly ridiculous to bring Aamir Khan's religion in question. More than that, it is disheartening. Insinuating that his religion inspired him to play this role, is really a low move. That too for an actor who clearly stand for human rights and has always raised questions, embraced unconventional roles and created and acted in some of the most meaningful movies in Bollywood.

And there the needs to be a differentiation between reel life and real life.


It is sad that any attempt to create awareness and question established assumptions is met with violence. It's almost as if everything that PK was talking about is being mirrored in real life. In the movie, the owner of the T.V. channel talks about his reluctance to touch upon religious issues, because of his earlier experiences, where fanatics resorted to violence. Similarly, one sees religious factions resort to violence and slandering in real life.

In some ways, they are validating the content of the movie and rendering it even more relevant in today's world.

Tonight I learnt helplessness

I love Delhi but I really hate it. This sounds like a contradiction. It is not.

Tonight Delhi shattered any illusions I had about the concept of safety. One of my brothers was beaten up outside a popular hangout in Delhi. In the heart of South Delhi, in one of my favorite areas,  Hauz Khas village, at a place called "Social." He stepped out with a beer. No one at "Social" stopped him, including the doorman. He walked outside and some bouncers started bellowing at him to leave his drink. Before he knew what was happening they were upon him, beating him with sticks. Before any of his friends could do anything he was on the floor being beaten. Not just that, they began egging on other bouncers from other places to come join them. Was he wrong in taking his drink out? Yes. Were their actions justified? Absolutely not.

 The management at the "Social" refused to step outside and the cops who turned up (obviously after he had already suffered injuries!) refused to step into the place. All in all there was no one to help, no one to turn to. We raved and ranted, complained and yelled and were guided to a nearby police station. He was hit on his head, his left eye was impacted and he was severely hurt on his leg. He suffered shock and trauma and other psychological impacts.

After spending four hours at the police station, we were made to realize the futility of it all. Firstly, even before we got to the police station there was a major discussion bout how all the women should go home since it was late at night. So we realized our status as liabilities, but we still went to the police station. It is sad that one has to think twice about such things, where one has to reconsider situations on account of being a woman.

So we went to the police station with eye witnesses, pictures and a lot of righteous rage. It should have been a simple thing. It was not. What shocked me was the attitude of the cops, the management at "Social," as well as that of the people who own the security company where the overzealous bouncers came from. The distinct note of casualness, the blatant arrogance, the sheer nonchalance were so jarring that they shook me. There was no trace of the bouncers who beat up an innocent guy and disappeared within seconds. If they thought they were doing their job, why did they run away? Did I mention the fact they had been drinking? That one of them acted inappropriately with one of the girls who entered the club?

But run they did. The cops did nothing to stop them. At the police station, we given several reassurances that were showing up in 15 minutes. After four hours there was no trace of them. Then we were told that they were inside. Unless the Sarojini Nagar police station boasts of an underground secret passage, no one saw them enter! The staff from "Social"and the security company kept making all kinds of excuses. The insipid "yes we know it's our fault but what can we do now" scenario.

But the biggest disappointment were the police. There was absolutely no willingness to help. I felt we were in a  Bollywood movie when I heard one of them say, "I am a government servant, don't tell me how to do my job." Then there was some talk of the bouncers being asked to go to AIIMS medical center to determine their alcohol level. We heard the cops speaking on the phone to the hospital staff to "please take care of it." That's when we realized that it was all a sham. They would not file our report. There was no sympathy from the cops, no responsibility taken by the staff or the security company.

All in all, it is an experience which is horrific in so many ways. The fact that we were thankful that they only found sticks to hit him with, because it could have been so much worse. The realization that  blatant injustice happens in this city everyday and you have no one to turn to. The fact that I am writing this, the fact that we were even able to go back & forth with the cops for several hours, the fact that we will not let this go, already puts us in a privileged category. We are educated people, who have access to resources and contacts and yet I have never felt a more profound sense of helplessness.

 Actually there was one more time... Another police station, another night in Delhi, many years ago. When a man kept touching my 14 yr old cousin for an entire hour in the PVR Saket movie theater. During intermission is when she finally told me and even though the management and cops were more supportive, nothing came out of it. The cops said being a minor, it may affect her reputation because who can say "how much" happened. It would only affect her adversely and so she begged to not file a report.

It was like an echo of that night when I realized that even if you are right, it doesn't matter. I heard that these bouncers had nothing to lose, that they would come after us if we pursued it, that it would be the most trouble for the victim.

Our lives are driven by fear, where it is easier to walk away than fight. Easier to avoid certain areas at certain times, than venture out and stand up for what it  right. Where parents will tell their children to not go out late, to avoid confrontations.

This is the Delhi that we live in.

Art That (Doesn't) Matter!

So I had to write this, after writing my last post. Because I truly believe in art that matters and in engaging with social issues. Rape, domestic violence and abuse are issues I feel really deeply about. I do feel a need to express these through dance, in the most sensitive manner that I can. But for me it is not even a choice, it is something I just cannot ignore as an artist.

At the same time I am really disturbed by people who use these issues to sell their work, win a competition or draw attention to themselves. There is this recent trend to use strong women characters and relevant social themes to appeal to a panel of judges, to draw some tears from an audience, or to add an edge to one's work to make it stand out. It makes me sad and angry because it is insensitive, counter-intuitive and in some ways making a mockery of things that need to be dealt with utmost sensitivity.

As much as I believe in art as a tool for social change, I am extremely wary of people who use social issues to sell their product. Let's not use rape to market our dances, draw on people's emotions to win a competition. Let's stay true to ourselves, our art and the very real issues that women face today.

I was in college in India when I created a piece which a renowned dance critic said was "too depressing." It was too real. Then I created a work with a few women artists for an Indian Contemporary company I danced with, but the director was more interested in using us for mere ornamentation while the boys would represent strength. Finally, I started created independent work where I could voice my thoughts. And I was fortunate to meet Mona Khan. Even though Mona Khan Company is a Bollywood Dance company and we do a lot of mainstream Bollywood, when I spoke to her about creating certain works, she understood the importance of the message. She said everything is not for the audience, we must also feed our souls, or something like that.

So I try, I fail. I try not to judge but I fail. I try to be ok with people inserting social themes to win a competition, but really I am not ok with it. But all I can do is stay true to myself and my vision. At the same time I had to write this. Because I know what it takes to break the silence, and I greatly admire the women who do, even if means breaking in the process.

Dancing "Tabaah"

Photographer: Rob Fadtke (ZoArt Photography)

Dancing "Tabaah" is hard. It is difficult to put your self in that place. That mental space. To fathom that sense of violation. To try and imagine and relive a fragment of what she must have felt, what any girl who has been through such an experience must feel.

"Tabaah" started with Nirbhaya, and the terrible incident that haunted Delhi in December 2012. The girl who was gang raped with a terrible violence, assaulted and then left to die. She finally succumbed to her injuries thirteen days later. But a lot of us could not forget her, could not get over the extreme horror of the incident.

"Tabaah" is but a weak reflection provoked by that incident. Amit (one of my best friends and dance partner) & I conceptualized "Tabaah" for the Mona Khan Company showcase. It started with a dance-based theatrical creation of a gang rape. I don't believe you can act this, you have to live it. We recreated this in the comfort of a studio. The boys who played the role of the predators are my friends who I am extremely comfortable with. Yet even in this protected environment, in this distant re-imagining, I felt that pain, that helplessness, that rage, that shame. I still feel afraid when they surround me, I feel violated when they touch me. I feel like I am nothing, less than nothing. And then Amit comes in, as my partner who tries to help me deal with it and I hate myself, I hate him, I don't want him to see my like this, I don't want him to touch me but somehow he soothes me. Not just in the story of the piece, he actually does...

Photographer: Rob Fadtke (ZoArt Photography)

We have performed "Tabaah" three times and we are to perform it another three times this March. It is a piece I connect with viscerally because I feel so strongly, so deeply, the horror of rape, the gross violation of a woman's space, her body, her being. And as I feel my heart beat faster on stage and the tears at the edge of my eyes, and rage storming in the center of my being, I can't help but feel that this is nothing, nothing at all... I think of Nirbhaya, I think of the nameless girls who just become a piece of news, and others who don't break the silence, whose stories are not even acknowledged.

As artists, it is our attempt to comment on and engage with society. Our attempt to give voice to those whose voices remain unheard. I know I want to say something, I want to scream it for all to hear, but what I say will never be enough, not nearly enough...

Ideas

An idea is really nothing. 

It is pre-embryo. Nameless, shapeless. 

It just sits there sweltering in your mind, plaguing your thoughts, wanting to come out in some perfect form, which you just cannot fathom. I have many such ideas, which crowd my head, jostle for space, wanting to be heard, to be expressed. Usually just the process of sifting these ideas leaves me exhausted. 

And yet when I feel like no thought is possible, another idea sneaks its way into my consciousness, softly mocking me...

Hello Writing!

I haven't written on this blog for like a year, maybe more...basically forever. I had many goals and slowly I lost track of them all. The truth is writing for me is making sense of chaos (Dechaosify...duh!) And it is whimsical, it is erratic, it is something I do when I want to do.

OK if I wasn't a dancer I would probably have been a writer. But since dance consumes me so completely, there is little of me left to write. But that little part has it's own ideas that must be expressed.

So hello writing. I am back again! Our liaison may be short-lived but intense, it will be!

littledancethings.tumblr.com

Stunning Underwater Photography

I was blown away by these beautiful pictures by photographer Howard Schatz. Dance photography in itself can be quite stunning but to shoot underwater gives it this surreal, dream-like quality.

World's Largest 3D Painting

Street artist '3D Joe & Max’ turned part of London’s Canary Wharf quayside into the longest and largest 3D artwork. Reebok collaborated with Crossfit to develop this.

It is just so super cool that I had to post it.

Picture Courtesy: designtaxi.com

"Crazy Horse" documentary by Frederick Wiseman

I have had the opportunity to watch the Las Vegas version of Paris's famous revue, "Crazy Horse" at the MGM Grand.
I feel that the artistic elements complement and almost override the erotic aspects of the performance. I remember a friend saying that "after a point you don't even realize that they are nude!" The dancers are technically skilled (and of course gorgeous!), the lighting is hauntingly beautiful and each act is conceptualized in a unique way.

This movie, titled "Crazy Horse," has been directed and edited by  Frederick Wiseman and was released in New York today.  It takes a look behind the velvet curtains of "Le Crazy Horse de Paris." In an interview discussing the documentary, Wiseman talks about his interest in the comedy and tragedy in ordinary experience that have not been tapped in documentary terms. He is basically interested in the institutional context of "Crazy Horse," (he speaks about exploring behaviors defined within the boundaries of specific institutions). This is not a voyeuristic journey into the lives of the dancers.

Frederick Weisman says he is limited by the facts since it is a documentary but nevertheless, I think that it will be an interesting film to watch.

The Art of Maya Rao

"Khol Do"

"Deep Fried Jam"

Every time I watch Maya Rao perform, I am mesmerized. I am yet to see an artist embody a character or a concept so completely, exhibit intellectual and emotional nuances so exquisitely through her physicality. Whether it be her minimalistic work, "Khol Do," (one of her earliest works) or her highly intricate multimedia work, "Heads are Meant for Walking into," or my personal favorite, "Deep Fried Jam," her works are unforgettable. They always leave a strong impression. They are intensely exciting, a breathtaking journey through an emotional and conceptual landscape. Maya Rao is like a furious storm on stage.

Her latest work "Ravanama" will be presented at the NSD Festival in New Delhi on Tuesday, Jan 17 at 8:30pm at Abhimanch. On the festival website the description is as follows:

"Ravanama"

"The performance revolves around Ravana – a mythological character in the grand scale. He has ten heads that jostle together, vying with each other. He has as many boons as curses from the gods and so, is often not aware of the consequences of his actions – good or bad. Ravana is the scholar, the musician, the lover of beauty, the supreme warrior and the unparalleled disciple of Shiva. He is single-minded whether it is to do with getting Sita for himself or winning impossible boons from the gods.
Several versions exist about his relationship with Sita. . On stage we see a contemporary actor preparing a show – every time she dips into the ‘world’ of Kathakali she comes out with a further revelation of Ravana…. "

"Ravanama"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am bitterly disappointed that I won't be in India for this performance. For those of you who are lucky enough to be in New Delhi, I would highly recommend this show. I really know nothing about it, but I know that watching Maya Rao perform is an experience you are not likely to forget!








Photos Courtesy: http://mayakrishnarao.blogspot.com

Meidhwani in Delhi

I am kind of bummed out that I am leaving Delhi just as the National School of Drama's theater festival began. I am particularly disappointed that I will be missing Meidhwani, devised by members of the Attakalari repertory. It will be performed on Jan 13, at 8:30pm in Abhimanch. Even though I will be missing it, I wanted to encourage other dance and theater lovers to watch it. I have heard some great things about it. Also, one of the dancers Diya Naidu was a friend in college and a beautiful dancer. I am sure she has blossomed into a tremendous performer now!

Photo Courtesy: http://www.attakkalari.org

Shakti Mohan's Dance Calendar 2012

I love dance calendars. Turning the page every month to find a new embodiment of grace, movement, energy and momentum. In the past I have bought Lois Greenfield's calendar. This year as I was looking around I saw that Dance India Dance Season 2 Winner Shakti Mohan has launched her calendar Nritya Shakti, shot by fashion photographer Pravin Talan.

I think Shakti is a fabulous dancer and she is gorgeous! I think I may have a slight crush on her!

This is her favorite picture from the calendar:

I love the blending of the Classical and the Contemporary in this picture. The traditional accessories are juxtaposed with the very sculptural Contemporary Dance pose. She is graceful and fierce at the same time.

Some of my favorite pictures are:

The red color looks like she is draped in fire. At the same time there is a beautiful softness in her arms

This last one is really edgy. Her expression is fierce and self-assured as she is effortlessly poised  on her toes. The definition of her muscles and the way she is lit make this picture really exciting.

There are so many other amazing pictures in her calendar and her character and body language change with each picture. Though most of the pictures display her immense power, there also those which show a sense of vulnerability.
The combination of her inherent power and sensuality and the conceptualization of the ideas behind each picture, render them into works of art.

The Nutcracker

Since it is Christmas today I thought I'd share some cool posters of the holiday season ballet "The Nutcracker:"

http://sabellatsiopaniillustration.blogspot.com/

  

(There are 2 other wonderful posters designed by her on her blog)

http://www.theballetbag.com

emilymaye.blogspot.com

 

http://ballethawaii.org

 Merry Christmas!

Working with an injury

As a dancer, there is nothing more frustrating than being injured.

I have mostly been lucky in this regard but this Fall I had this excruciating pain in my knees. It was just this chronic pain that would not go away. Yes I was told to rest but how does a dancer not dance? I mean is that even a choice?

Anyways I struggled through my classes and I also did our bi-annual show. Now when I look at the footage I feel like I totally sucked! But I know I did the best that I could at that point. An injury is physically daunting and mentally exhausting! At least people around me were super supportive which was fabulous. I tried everything from Ayurvedic oil, ginger, excessive painkillers, icing my knees, drinking joint juice, massages...you name it, I tried it!

Now after resting my knees for about 2 months, I am anxious to be back in the studio but also apprehensive about how my body will react. The doctor said my body is "too delicate for this profession." So now I have more supplements than even my 90+ grandma, doing physiotherapy twice a day and yesterday I attended my first yoga class in months and struggled through everything!

I am trying to be patient with my body (what choice do I really have?) Meanwhile, I know I have to overcome this so I will continue to strengthen my supporting muscles, take proper supplements and hope I can dance forever!

Dancing by the Visually Impaired

I always think of dancing as being a very visual activity.

Recently, I had the opportunity to judge a dance competition at the Center for Blind Women, in New Delhi, thanks to my friend Lado who teaches yoga at the Center. What did I expect? I don't know.

All I know is that I was blown away. From the guy who took off his jacket and threw it on stage, to the girl who showed her adas in "Maar Daala," each one of them brought their unique personality, their passion for dance and their determination. Some of them were so good that I didn't even realize that they had a problem with their vision until they would turn and then end up facing a wrong direction, away from the audience and continue dancing.

It was inspiring and humbling. One girl was on the verge of stepping off the stage several times but the volunteer helped orient her. But she kept dancing undeterred.


I have attended workshops where we had to move with our eyes closed. It can be terrifying! And to do a choreographed dance with intricate footwork, without your vision to guide you can be really challenging.

Watching these kids dance their hearts out despite their limitations just made me really happy! And watching their faces light up, I knew they were happy as well.  It just made me appreciate the magic of dance; it can truly cross all barriers...

Living and loving Cricket

Cricket is the common language, the unifying thread that binds our entire nation together. I know people in Pakistan, Sri Lanka and various other countries feel the same. The lull when our team is losing and the euphoria when we are close to victory seep through the entire nation's consciousness.

Even though I wish I was in India to celebrate our team winning the World Championship, the passion was no less here in the Bay Area. All night vigils for every match were taking place in the Community Center. The match would begin at 2:00 a.m. but from midnight, the dancing and dhols would begin. The night would begin with beer and end up with endless cups of chai and hundreds of people flocked to the community center to watch the matches. Indian flags of all sizes dominated the landscape and the color blue was prevalent. Chanting and cheering was constant.

One of the most overwhelming things was singing the National anthem together (something that I have not done since I left India in 2003). From then till the end of the match, each moment was punctuated with collective gasps, cheers, sighs - a mere echo of an entire nation holding its breath.

I loved seeing so many Pakistanis in India during the India-Pakistan match. It was so great to see cordial relationships between the players and audiences. Despite both the nations' hunger to win, the aura was relaxed and the environment was of one of mutual support. Shahid Afridi won everyone's hearts by his honest and humble words and of course by his talent on the field. My heart went out to the talented Pakistani team (there were so many really young players and they were just incredible!).

This spirit of mutual respect and appreciation has characterized all the matches this time. I know cricket is not just a game for us. But it doesn't need to become a war. Even as it brings us together as a nation, it is not necessary to alienate other nations. So the Hindu v/s Muslims rubbish in the India-Pakistan match and the Ram v/s Ravan crap in the India-Sri Lanka matches was just ridiculous. The people who propagate such hatred are undermining the positivity and hope that our cricket team brings to us.

We really saw some wonderful cricket in the World Cup. The matches were nail-biting, exciting and the teams poured their hearts and souls into the games. Today I just feel so incredibly proud of our team for struggling against the best teams in the world and coming on top. Their fighting spirit is and will continue to be an inspiration to us all.


Thank you to the our amazing team for bringing us the World Cup. In this moment we can forget everything else and just revel in the feeling of being the World Champions. Thank you for all that you have given us; words can never explain how the nation feels right now...

Thoughts on the movie "Dhobi Ghaat"

I saw Dhobi Ghaat a few nights ago and absolutely loved it. It is just visually stunning. I know a lot of people will dismiss it as being too "artsy" but the movie has so much soul. It is extremely well acted for the most part, though there were parts where Monica Dogra is a bit irritating. Aamir Khan's silent presence enhances the movie and the shots of him painting are just wonderfully sensual. I was especially captivated by Kriti Malhotra who plays the character of Yasmin, a girl seen only through video tapes, made for her brother, in lieu of letters. Besides Yasmin, the other unforgettable character is Munna, brought to life by Prateik Babbar. I have only seen Prateik Babbar in "Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na", where he has a minor role. I enjoyed his acting then but in "Dhobhi Ghaat" he emerges as an extremely talented actor, who is able to capture the various nuances of his character, Munna.

It was also really interesting to see Mumbai, through all these different perspectives. Unlike "Slumdog Millionaire", in which one basically sees the poverty, dirt and darkness of Mumbai, in "Dhobhi Ghaat" one sees so many different aspects: the monsoon, the smell of the ocean, hints of the Underworld, the struggle to find accommodation, and so much more. It is a full bodied picture, where the city comes to life as much as the characters who dwell in it. I liked how Shai who is from New York wants to capture the street life of Mumbai, and Munna who lives on those streets, can only see the dirt and despair clogging them. The photographer looks at the streets for inspiration, but the dhobhi wants to escape from the streets, just as the artist looks at Yasmin's innocent beauty and her quiet wonder of life for inspiration, as she tries to step out of that life.


The dynamics of the relationships were visualized well, especially the Shai-Munna relationship. The chasm of class becomes visible at the very onset when he visits her house to delivers clothes, and she offers him tea, to find that her maidservant serves his tea in a glass and hers in a porcelain cup.This becomes pronounced towards the end, when her friends are buying weed from a dealer and she sees Munna with him. She hides behind the tinted glasses of the car, so she doesn't have to acknowledge him in their presence. 

I was completely drawn into the movie. It was just breathtakingly beautiful, achingly subtle. It is not the kind of movie one watches simply to be entertained. At the same time it is not tedious or distant. There are so many heart-felt moments but unlike a lot of Bollywood movies it is not over-dramatic. Not all the strings are tied at the end. Not all questions are answered. Not everything is resolved. But it is a movie that stays with you; I know I will be thinking about it for a long time...

Re-learning Fearlessness

I remember walking into a class in San Jose State University, nearly 8 yrs ago, and realizing that everyone around me was just simply amazing. I had left India with minimum training in Jazz and Indian Contemporary Dance, and had come here in search of something, I wasn't quite sure what. My first contact with Modern Dance and I knew why I was here, miles away from home, and the only life I had even known.
At that point I had never even seen a Ballet piece, never heard of Jose Limon, let alone Release Technique, Performance Art and all the incredible things that existed and captured my imagination. Everything was fresh and exciting and I surrendered to it all. I was not worried about being the only person in a Ballet class who did not know what a pique turn was. In fact, I was quite FEARLESS. I auditioned for the companies on campus, for things outside, attended classes which were meant for advanced technicians and I just soaked up everything. I improvised in fountains, met inspiring artists, created works in dilapidated construction buildings, and questioned EVERYTHING.
Now, eight years later, I feel that even though I am still as excited about dance, I have learnt to look at things with a critical eye, sometimes too-critical, where I find myself analyzing things even as I partake in them. But what I  miss is not my sense of wonder, but my fearless-less; my ability to go into any scenario without questioning my abilities. I remember taking Miguel Gutierrez's composition class at the American Dance Festival in 2005, and again in 2006, where one of the assignments was to not censor ourselves. It was incredibly easy then, I NEVER censored anything. I often felt that some of my works were misfits in the choreographic concerts of San Jose State University. But I never thought to alter them.
Now I find myself hesitating, even before I begin creating. Sometimes I look at a workshop that I would love to do, or an audition that I am interested in attending, but self-doubt plagues me. I am not sure how and why this has happened. All I know is that it has. And the more skills and experience I acquire, the more insecure I become. This year, I really want to rediscover that curiosity that I had, which went beyond fear. I want to be FEARLESS again. I want to be willing to fail. I want to be rid of this self-imposed pressure to live up to something and be something. I want to be in tune with myself and simply create and dance, because what else is there to do...